The struggle to …. wait: and be of good courage

Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.  ~Psalms 27:14

But what if I am tired of waiting? Shouldn’t there be a time limit to this sort of thing? How long do I have to wait???????

Sounds like an adult version of “Are we there yet?”, doesn’t it.

These are the questions that I wrestle with. I feel like Jacob wrestling with God on this issue. I would so love for the Lord to show me WHY we have the struggles we have right now. I often think that if He could just lay it out there…. so I could understand….. then, I would be able to endure it better.  But that isn’t the way God works, is it? It is the not knowing that builds my faith; teaches me to trust

There are days that I hate money. I hate the fact that we need it to survive on this planet. I long for a life long past where gardens flourished, eggs were collected and your meat supply lived in your back yard. Days when you could pay for dental visits with a few chickens and a month’s worth of egg deliveries.

I hate that if you need money, you have to have it for anyone to loan any to you. I hate being so poor you have to chose between putting gas in the tank or paying the garbage, water or electric bill. I hate that people no longer value hard work, they value a piece of paper with some letters on it more.

Yet, God says to wait.

In my heart I ask, why? Wait for what? We are trying, Lord. We are actively looking for work…. We take every opportunity you provide. We serve, we attend church faithfully, we do our best to do the tasks you provide for us to do…. we help the people you have given to us to love….
We have applied for re-training funds…. and been denied… twice.
We have turned in thousands upon thousands of applications over the course of 3 years…. only to be under- or over-qualified for every single position.                                                                                            We have tried to revamp the resume…. twice.

We have been told, “You’re hired. Soon as we get the contract, you are our guy!” Only to never hear from them again.                          
We have tried to apply for pizza delivery jobs….. only to be told our cars are “too old” to be used as delivery vehicles.
We have applied to fast food jobs….. just to be told “I can’t hire you, you will leave here as soon as a job in your field opens up.”

I am trying to wait. Waiting is hard!

Some days I feel like waiting on the Lord takes more courage than I contain. I am not strong enough for this. Which is rather funny to me, because people think that I am pretty strong. Newsflash: I am not. Being the wife of someone who has been “un-employed” is tough. I see the looks from people, the looks that say, “Well, you should just go get a job.”  …. oh how I wish it was that easy. I have a job., I have 4 or 5 of them. I am a wife and mother – first and foremost. That is job one. Job two is editing and writing for other homeschoolers. Job three is helping someone run their local farmers market. Job four  is doing some internet marketing for a local company. Job five is babysitting work. Where do I fit another job?  I would get a job that has me working nights, but then when would I sleep?
All these jobs that I have, have a strange effect on my husband. He never says it out-loud, but in his spirit I see it…. it creates in him a feeling of inadequacy.  He desires to be the bread winner and I believe that desire in his heart is given to him by God, but for some reason, God is saying wait. I have to be strong and not let my worries show…. not let my frustrations escape…. not let my own discouragement flourish.  When I am weak and it surfaces, it sucks the life out of my husband. I see him ache and hurt…. he feels like he is the cause of my pain. He isn’t. It is just my own weakness.
I don’t blame him. I see how hard he tries. I see him sweating under hot cars, driving to far away places to make deals and sell the things we can, sweating in the shop to build the things he needs to build.
It is weird to see people actually resent you asking them to pray for your husband to find a job…. I mean they have been praying for 3 and 1/2 years, they start to wonder what is wrong with someone that they can’t get a job….. any  job.  Then they start to ask…. “well, hasn’t he tried McDonalds?” It takes an amazing amount of restraint not to choke people when they say things like that…..

The reality: I don’t like waiting.

Wait on the Lord: Be of good courage…. He will strengthen you.

I know that much of my ramblings here today have seemed pessimistic… please read it as I intend it…. sometimes I need the catharsis of words, I need to let them roll of my fingers and out of my brain. If left swirling there, the discouragement builds, tears become the way of the day, and I start to long for escape. For as much as the thoughts above are the things that I wrestle with God over, I do see his faithfulness. I do see his care. I know that we are provided for.

This month’s testimony of praise…. 
Rent is due, no shock there, it is due every month.  The shocker is usually the WAY it gets paid. About the 15th of every month I start to sweat the rent payment.  I scramble and save every penny to make sure that we are going to be close enough.  This month I had a small wad of cash…. and some of the weirdest checks….  One was from Bank of America…. they sent us 12 dollars that apparently were from some account that we closed over 4 years ago…  Another one was from a bank we had used that paid out dividend rewards for purchases. When that bank closed, they told us that all our earned dividend income was just gone, we would never see it.  Last month a check for 132 dollars came from them. It was our dividends. That cash, those checks…. and the child support payments, we had 28 dollar MORE than we needed to pay rent.
Praise God.
It is these testimonies….. these unexplainable arrival of checks. The ability to have made a rent payment for 3 years without a steady job, these are the things that strengthen my heart.

Sometimes God lays our family on people’s hearts and we get gift cards or other things…. and those things are a great encouragement.  It lets us know that He hears our prayers and the details of our lives are not insignificant to Him, by moving others to help.

So, even though I am very bad at waiting…. we will continue to wait. Even though I don’t feel strong or courageous…. I will wait. I will watch for evidence of His mercy and grace….  and I will praise him for all the things, big and small, that he does for us each day.
 

 

PrintEmailShare

exercise and sickness

The Homeschool Mother's Journal

In my life this week…

I have realized that I need to exercise.  Even the thought of exercise starts an allergic reaction, one where I run and hide in the bedroom with a bag of Oreos and a day long marathon of The Housewives of Wherever,  then I marvel at the fact that these women who do NOTHING all day but sit and kibitz like a group of broody hens, manages to stay so stinkin’ thin……

which brings me back to the part where I realize I need to exercise…….

Anyone else see a pattern of denial here?

In our homeschool this week…

We had a week off.  Totally unplanned.  Completely blamed on sickness.  I finally gave in on Friday and took the boy to the Dr.  Now, with drugs on board, he is better, nearly healed by Sunday….  Few more days on the Antibiotics and we can say we are healthy again.  But he is back to school today!

Helpful homeschooling tips or advice to share…

Don’t be too hard on yourself. God gave these children to YOU to raise.  He knew they needed you as their mom.  Don’t feel like a failure if you aren’t as crafty as Jane, or as organized as Suzy.  Your child will not die if they don’t do 7,000 crafts by the time they are 6, and laundry piles are NORMAL!

Places we’re going and people we’re seeing…

Big kids went on a Retreat this weekend.  They had fun.  I can tell. I just haven’t had the full data download yet from them.

Little’s and Hubby and I went for a hike on Saturday at a 29 acre place some friends are looking at buying.  We walked through the gully where the creek is.  Pretty stinkin’ cool.

My favorite thing this week was…

Not having to get up at 5:30 am on Friday morning.  It is the only day I don’t have to be the shuttle service, for the college and career bound. This was followed closely by an actual sleep in Saturday.  I haven’t had one of those in forever!

What’s working/not working for us…

I know I just said up there not to worry about being as organized as Suzy, but I need to be a bit more organized.  Like in the weekly sense….  I think I need to print out some charts and have them on the wall to keep me on track.  Otherwise we are easily distracted and go off into tangent land….. cand anyone say:  SQUIRREL?!?!??!

I’m grateful for…

A husband who knows what to say when I am stressed.  A husband who is a leader of my home, physically, and spiritually.  I am most thankful for the journey that has brought us to a place of unity, and left us stronger than we were before.

A photo, video, link, or quote to share…

The happy bell pepper………..

019

See you next week!

name gif

PrintEmailShare

Birthday for mom

The Homeschool Mother's Journal

In my life this week…

I had a birthday.  Away floated the 4-0 and bring on the 4-1.  The kids pretty much went the whole day without saying a word.  I pretty much thought they forgot and I actually found it rather humorous.  I was waiting for the look on their faces when they remembered.  My oldest son made me a video.  If we are friends on Facebook you can find it on my wall.  If we are not FB friends, we need to remedy that.

Hubby and I celebrated the day with a dinner out to Japanese, followed by dessert at our favorite Italian place.  We’re multicultural like that.

I was so full the skin across my stomach hurt.  But it was OOOOOO so worth every amazing bite.

In our homeschool this week…

It was pretty much work as normal.

For Hunter:  We are working through Math Mammoth 3A…. because ,well, we realized there are lots of holes in what we have been doing for math.  We have been working on some presidential copy work, practicing our cursive.  I have mom’s around here asking me if I have cursive resources, the schools here have quit teaching it.  shameful.

We also started Flying Creatures of the Fifth Day by Apologia.  We are learning how to write a paragraph for Language Arts….. so yeah…. pretty normal.

For Evan:  He is working on Excellence in Literature Unit 2: Around the World in 80 days by Jules Verne.  He is helping me work on a TOS review, for this one.  He is plugging along in Algebra 2 even though he really wishes I would just end the ban on obtaining a drivers license until it is finished.  But I won’t.  He will finish that darn subject before he gets that license!!!!!

Tayler:   She  is plugging along in College, giving speeches and writing papers.  This last week we have been working on how to write a research paper for history class covering the Paleolithic, Meso-Sumerian, and Egyptian era’s and answering the question “Is religion related to social organization?” …..and not hyperventilateduring the process.  It is due this evening by 11:55 pm.  I am sure it will be wonderful.  Did you know they changed the meaning of BC to BCE?  and AD is now CE?  ridiculous.

The two big kids are going to be starting an SAT prep course this week as well.

Jeremiah:  More letter writing, and learning how to write our name on our own with ALL the letters.  right now he likes to drop the I and A.  He’ll get there. Smile

My favorite thing this week was…

It was my Birthday.  DUH!  my favorite-favorite, was my morning at the spa.  A mani-pedi while sipping tea, does a mommy good.

Things I’m working on…

Have I mentioned consistency?  Yeah.  It’s a mantra.

I’m cooking…

Lots of stuff this week for Teachers Toolbox Recipes.  If you don’t know what Teachers Toolbox is, click that tab up there and check it out.  So far I have made Harvest Veggie Soup, Crazy Cider, and Cheesy Zucchini.

A photo, video, link, or quote to share…

I would put up that Video…. for now go to my wall and check it out.  I shall commence with a YouTube account (channel???)   shortly…..

 

 

See you next week!

name gif

PrintEmailShare

things you never knew you needed to know

The Homeschool Mother's Journal

link up and join me at the Homeschool Chick blog

In my life this week…

I learned about cars.  My Suburban to be precise.  Did you know that your radio could short out and give your husband fits trying to find out why?  Me either….  But I know it now…LOL .  Did you know that after ripping out the entire dashboard, the back light panels, and nearly the headliner, that you could find the short in the drivers side visor?  Me either…

Did you know that after you find the short  and need to drive the car, you can drive with out a dashboard, but only for a few days.  Why?  Because the car will die, and your husband will have to leave work and rescue you….  Then causing him to spend 2 more nights trying to figure out why the perfectly good, new alternator isn’t charging the battery.  You might even go and buy a new battery thinking that it is the problem…. but it isn’t.

Did you know that the little battery gauge on the dashboard (that hasn’t been in the car in over a week) has a teeny tiny resistor in it?  One that tells the alternator to turn on and charge the battery?  and that if you don’t have the dash on, it doesn’t do that and then your car will die and the battery will never be recharged?

Me either.  But I know now….  and feel so much smarter because of it. Oh, and my dashboard has been re-installed Smile

In our homeschool this week…

We have started our Pizza Hut Book it program.  I have set the goal for Hunter to read 600 minutes this month to earn his free pizza.  Really, I thought that this would be a near impossible goal for him.  I have to tape him to the chair to get him to read 20 minutes and even then he is writhing in agony over the mere thought of reading the written word.

Alas, something has clicked.  Maybe it is the Pizza…..  but in the last two weeks he has read 300 minutes.  I haven’t even need to tape him to anything.  It has been willing, excited, and he is enjoying it!  Yesterday alone he read for 100 minutes straight and finished a whole Magic Tree House book. He has never read a whole anything.  This my friends is amazing!

Tayler met a deaf guy on the bus she rides to College each day.  On Friday he flopped down next to her on the bus and asked for help with his math.  Funny how all the times Mom tried to teach sign language to them…no one was really interested.  Meet a real live deaf person….. and she is all gung-ho.  Hey, whatever it takes.  I am just glad she remembered enough signs to talk to him the first time Smile

We found out that one of the High Schools here in town sponsors “Deaf Night” throughout the year.  Deaf people from our community come to Starbucks or Dairy Queen or somewhere and help these High School kids learn.  Last night we went to the one at Starbucks so that Tayler could practice more.  She was shocked to find her bus buddy sitting there with a bunch of people.  I got to break out my rusty signing skills and meet him and others.  It was a really nice way to spend a couple of hours.

Helpful homeschooling tips or advice to share…

one day at a time.  sometimes… one minute at a time.

Feeling overwhelmed?  go pray.  then come back and start fresh.

I am inspired by…

my kids.  The older two are just blossoming, and growing in their friendships and in their walk with God.   It makes my mommy heart happy.


 

My favorite thing this week was…

Jeremiah.  He says the best stuff!  “daddy?  I love you so much I love you.”  or “ Did you fix it daddy? You did?  You are the bestest daddy evah”   And my personal favorite of the week.  His daddy had been teasing him about being a silly boy and he seriously states “ Daddy, I am your son, and I wuv you.”

Things I’m working on…

Consistency.  I say this often, but if I do not keep it at the forefront of my mind, I am easily distracted! 

I’m reading…

I am not reading anything for entertainment at the moment…. but WE are reading Mr. Pipes and the Hymns of the Reformation, and The Princess and the Goblins.  (not as creepy as I thought)

I’m cooking…

Last weekend I made some zucchini bread and banana muffins.  I am thinking that this weekend will be more of the same.  With the cooler weather, I am back to baking Smile

Oh, and I found a cookbook that I love, hidden by the stile in my cupboard.  I am thinking some Mexican feasts will be in order in the next few weeks.

I’m grateful for…

My husband.  He works all day, then half the night to make sure we have a working car.  He is such a blessing to be married too.

I’m praying for…

My family.  That God will grant them wisdom and knowledge of Him.

A photo, video, link, or quote to share…

a little photo collage of some of the beauty God put in Mexico City, Mexico.

117311111150115211601166

 

See you next week!

name gif

PrintEmailShare

Hello Fall

The Homeschool Mother's Journal

In my life this week…

I would really like to know where the days go.  Honestly, it was just Monday…..It seems as though the house is one big mess that is barely contained.  Too busy to clean, and that really isn’t a good thing.

In our homeschool this week…

It was the first official week of college for the Tayler.  She survived.  I survived.  Both noteworthy accomplishments.  She found a much faster way home and her bus drops her right by the house.

Last week was a bit of a rough week with Hunter.  This week, covered in prayer by the ladies at church, was much smoother.

Evan asked someone to homecoming.  He sang to her.  Made all the girls in the Choir room cry.  Yes, his voice is *that* good.

Helpful homeschooling tips or advice to share…

Someone called me yesterday because she knew of a homeschooler that was struggling.  I told her to pray with this woman and read to her Philippians 4: 11-13.  To give her a hug and let her know that no matter if the kids are rolling their eyes at you all day, if one or five of them won’t obey, if you just burnt dinner, and the dog ran away……  If you opened the washer and the laundry was mildewed *again*, or the mountain of laundry on the couch is 3 days high…….  God will give you the strength to get through the day.  One moment at a time, relying on Him.

Places we’re going and people we’re seeing…

Not too much going on right now, as we approach fall, things wind down and we begin to stay closer to home.

Evan is singing the National Anthem tonight at the Homecoming game with Scarlet and Gold ( the ensemble choir )  I think that is pretty cool.  Oh…. I and I have a chauffer gig tomorrow night between Baskin Robbins, and the Homecoming dance. 

What is my payment you ask?  I get a very clean truck to drive in.  Smile

What’s working/not working for us…

Not sure that there is anything we are doing right now that isn’t working for us…. pretty much everything seems to be going smoothly

Questions/thoughts I have…

I am feeling frustrated with Hunter’s lack of progress in spelling.  I keep telling myself that consistency is the key, and once the light bulb goes off in his head it is going to be easy peasy….  but there is something that just is niggling at the back of my brain….  I can’t really articulate it…. it is just there.

Things I’m working on…

Having purposeful, gospel filled, friendships.  I want to give the encouragement of the Word, not just my opinion of things.

I’m reading…

Colossians.  We are studying it in Church.  I just keep reading it and letting it marinate.

I’m grateful for…

Kids who love the Lord.  Even when they are mad at each other.

I’m praying for…

A struggling homeschool mom.

A photo, video, link, or quote to share…

001

The graduating senior and his sister the dual enrolled junior.  Where, please tell me where the time went!

PrintEmailShare

9.5.11

Miscellany Monday @
lowercase letters

write random and join in at lower case letters

{one} blank.

ever stare at the computer screen and have absolutely nothing to say? For the last three hours my Live Writer screen has been up, mocking me.  Daring me to place fingers to keys and come up with something witty and wise to say.

{two} dads.

I miss mine today.  I think this is the reason for the nothing to say, up in number one. all I keep thinking about is the morning dream I had of him today.  you know those dreams that you have once you have been awake and padded through the house, but crawl back in for a few blissful minutes next to your warm hubby or under the pre-warmed covers, and you drift off again?  Yeah, it was one of those.  Quick and Disturbing.

 

{three} birthdays.

I am now the mother of a nine year old.  This is the third time it has happened to me. you would think I would be used to it by now. I am not.

nine is the entry year into serious school. Fourth Grade. Shhhh, don’t tell the kids, but I hated the Fourth Grade. all those times tables… yuck.

027

Happy Ninth Birthday Sweet Boy.

 

See you next week,

name gif

PrintEmailShare

My Homeschool Mothers Journal 9.2.11

The Homeschool Mother's Journal

to link up click on the journal and join in!

In my life this week…

My cousin came for a day, there was a memorial service, I chased immunization records across two states and likely irritated the snot out of two or three different institutions.  Friends came over from Seattle, saw them for about 5 minutes between Sunday and Monday.  Enrolled a kid in Choir at the high school and radio broadcasting at the trade school, managed to get dinner on the table every night AND………  nobody ran out of underwear until this morning Smile

In our homeschool this week…

We began studying Mozart.  Now, I will admit that I have tried this before and failed miserably. But I really want this to be part of our education plan, especially with the younger two.  The older ones are off and doing trade school and junior college as part of their high school activities, so I should have plenty of time to incorporate this. 

We have been plugging along with Big IQ kids as a TOS review item.  We have enjoyed the states study, and the spelling from that program. 

Jeremiah has been plugging along with his ABC’s and is doing very well at his letter recognition and sounds.

Helpful homeschooling tips or advice to share…

Keep it simple.  You do not have to have a craft every day.  You do not need to do every subject everyday ( with the exception of reading, some writing and MATH)  Many times, 20 attention filled minutes is better than a 2 hour long project.

A photo, video, link, or quote to share…

See you next week!

name gif

PrintEmailShare

Grief and Hope

gosh darn it!  why doesn’t grief get any easier?

It sneaks up on you like a thief and leaves you drained, ravaged and raw.  Just when you think you have cried enough tears, a memory, a smile…. a gesture will set them flowing afresh.

I remember the numbness when Dad died.  I made it through that memorial service just fine.  No tears.  I was strong.  I felt I had to be.  I shook hands with people I remembered from my childhood, hugged hundreds of people told them thank you for coming.  I am the oldest, I had to hold it together.

And here, two years later I sit a teary eyed mess.  I have cried so much I think my eyelids are chapped from all the tissue. 

Today I sat in church listening to a congregation sing “Praise Him, Praise Him”  the room was filled with many people I knew and those whom I had never seen.  We all had one thing in common, we loved Jesus and were there to celebrate one of His children.  I could only listen to the words of the song and attempt to read the words through tear blurred eyes, for no song would croak from my mouth.  The sound of all those people praising God…..I …. I wept. 

I know the answer to the question I asked up there.  It is because we live in a fallen world. I also know that even if memories bring tears, that the tears won’t last forever.  I know that my grief isn’t like those with no hope.  I have hope, assurance even, of eternal life.

I think my son said it best, when he corrected the bulletin at the service today……..

009

Oh how glad for that I am…..  Oh how I wish that assurance for you as well, that death would just be the beginning of forever with Jesus, face to face.

name gif

PrintEmailShare

the card

I found it among a pile of papers on the piano.  Hastily gathered and set aside, on a day long ago.

As I cleaned today I came upon it as I was checking the pile for things to throw away. 

003

It was a birthday card.  Just like any other, on any given day, but today it was different…..I opened the card…..

004

Inside the familiar scrawling words brought tears to my eyes.  The card was written to my son, on the event of his 17th birthday.  It had a verse, and it was full of affirmation, and Godly encouragement to a young man who wants to serve God.

I cried.

Lots.

I will miss that goofy left handed writing of his……

It was just a card…….  but today, it was somehow more.

PrintEmailShare

My Homeschool Mothers Journal 8.26.11

The Homeschool Mother's Journal

Join in and share your week at the Homeschool Chick, just click on the picture above.

 

In my life this week…

It has been a week of ups and downs.  My sister was shopping for wedding dresses, and our beloved Pastor went home to Jesus.  A loving thank you note from one child, and debates with another.  It was just a roller coaster sort of week.

Oh, and I added some new worksheets, check out the My Teachers Toolbox tab

In our homeschool this week…

We studied the Letter B with Jeremiah and we are working through some of the books that are in our Before Five in a Row “curriculum”.

Hunter began reading the Princess and the Goblin (it wasn’t nearly as weird as I thought it might be).  we also introduced Long Division with a Remainder this week and learned about Static Electricity.

Evan worked on Algebra 2 and Tayler is working her way through Arguing about Slavery and her Biology and Algebra.

It has been a regular calm sort of school week, despite the aforementioned roller coaster.

Helpful homeschooling tips or advice to share…

To mothers of little’s :  Playdoh and Clay ARE school.  So is a quick letter paper full of stickers that match the sound of the letter you are working on.  It doesn’t have to be fancy.  I write in Sharpie marker on colored paper all the time for a quick something for Jeremiah to do.  Don’t over think it.  Read lots.

I am inspired by…

My mom.  Some day’s she is sad.  Her heart is heavy and aching.  Missing my dad with a fervor that two years can barely ease. Everywhere she turns she is reminded of him….. and, of his absence.  My mother is stronger, smarter, and more amazing than she will ever give herself credit for. 

She loved my dad; oh, so very much.  I love you mom.

Places we’re going and people we’re seeing…

Actually it appears that everyone is coming to us this weekend.  Out of town friends from Seattle are coming for the Memorial Service and spur of the moment, vacationing cousins are coming as well.  Gonna be a full house and I am grateful for the 8 rooms to stuff people into Smile 

Now, anyone local have an aero bed that I can borrow?

My favorite thing this week was…

Jeremiah announcing that he “muhst have dween DNA or sumping”  “ Betuz I have dween eyes”  Clearly he has been picking and choosing the parts of Biology that he has been listening too Smile

I’m grateful for…

A son who is outside in 90+ degree heat whacking weeds.  Love that kid.

I’m praying for…

Our pastor’s family and our church family as we all sort through the loss of a great man of God.

A photo, video, link, or quote to share…

UGGH!  I have so many stories to still tell you about NYC2010!

1832

For now, it is a little FAO Schwartz……and a big Lego Chewie.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
PrintEmailShare